things seem to just woad up inside of me. yet i still go on day after day, just letting things come as they do. Ether i am sitting in my bed just thinking as some girl go and cheats on her boyfriend on one of the many dating and cheating shows that pop from under all the fluff fluff that todays tv shows at all times of the day are showing, trying to snatch the attention of younger audiences, or i am just alone with no one around and thoughts of only one person floats around in my mind that fills at times to a point where it seems better to put a knife through my skull than going on with so many thoughts in my head, why is it so? But all i know is that are times when my mind just goes blank, only one thought stays in the empty space. it scares me to think that i can have only on thought at times, but when i really thinking about that thought, a smile sneaks up on me and places it self on my lips.

Why? Why is it that when i think this i feel so much in my heart? both my heart and mind are one that moment. Is that natural? Wanting to want such a thing, is that not bad? Or i am getting the chance to have something that my heart and mind have both wanted for the longest? How is it that someone can hold back there love for someone for so long? I love him, there is no way around that, yet i think and think, what love for him is that i really have? a first time love love? i love that can go on for the rest of my life as a human? Will if and when go to heaven (that may not be for a few more lives seeing as how things chance everyday) will my love for him still linger on my every thought? I love him, long for him, yet we have never met face to face before? Is that something that should happen? Why, why are there so many questions melting into my thoughts, my words, my actions? Love is something that seems to throw people off of their chosen path. Will that happen to me? someone that thinks thing threw to a point that they have no more sense of enjoyment, wanting, excitement? Will that happen with him? will i think a hole right through his perfectness? All i see are questions before my lips and eyes, things i want to know more about then i have ever given a chance to know before. But long before i met him i became scared to ask questions and seek out the answers, fear that once again i will be shot down and my want for the answer never given to me. I want him, that is what i know, and i love him, or as much as a 15 year old can know about love, is what i feel for him,

my words long, explanation longer, thoughts? they should be a book. what i see as this world go on it that i must enjoy what is left to enjoy, make the most of my life and words, words that many others must feel, if it does not make sense to you or to them that is all right, as long as you have read what i wrote, things can still be in balance.

all that is needed to be known, is that i have love, and i know that i have it know...now....